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Tackling Unforgiveness

Forgiving myself has been a struggle in the past, but I didn’t realize until this morning that it’s a struggle again now. I was studying forgiveness in one of my bible studies last week – how the Word of God views it, which is diametrically opposed to society’s view on forgiveness.

I forgave myself years ago for mistakes I made in the past, but I’ve felt heaviness surrounding my recent past lately. I have never attempted to be a good steward of my time, money, or words until recently, and while I’m thrilled to say that I’m striving for self-discipline in those areas, I regret that I haven’t learned it sooner.

Overall, I think I’m doing pretty well. Only three months into our marriage, Michael and I started making a plan for our finances. He thought it would take a decade for us to get on the same page, but it happened really quickly instead. That shows incredible progress in my relationship with God and husband, my ability to trust them, and my desire to live the abundant life that God promises us simply because we surrender to his will.  Score one for Michael, Kenlie, and Jesus! Woohoo!

God is so good, and he meets us right where we are. I’ve also noticed that over the last several days I’ve been beating myself up pretty hard for not being a better steward sooner. I’ve been tithing regularly for years now, but I didn’t start saving until 2017. Again, I’m so glad I’m learning and enacting godly principles in money now instead of years down the road, but I wish I had done it sooner.

I had an emergency fund in place when I left my job several weeks ago, and it allowed me to move into my next season with less financial stress than I would have had otherwise. My saving happened with perfect timing too because there’s money there for little things like makeup, food, coffee, etc. that I like while my husband provides for our actual needs. There’s a little money left in my emergency fund, and I’ll work to replace it when my new paychecks start coming in this week and in the coming weeks.

So, while I feel regretful that I didn’t trust God with money sooner, I’m thankful that I’m doing it now. I’m also thankful that I have a godly husband who chooses to trust God, to be a good steward, to work, and to be patient with me as God reveals himself in every area of my life and our marriage.

I’m making tremendous, Holy Spirit-led progress in finances and in my words. (More on my words later.) So instead of beating myself up for not pursuing this lifestyle sooner, I choose to repent, accept the forgiveness that Christ has already given me, and forgive myself now. I also choose to ignore the lies of the enemy, and I choose to trust that God can use all things together for good and that his timing is perfect.

Have you ever had to forgive yourself even though you knew that God had already given you?


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